O'Doyle Rules!

October is Bullying Prevention Month and Principal's Appreciation Month so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone.  One, I would like to clearly define bullying for parents and two, you have to indulge me as I ramble because I happen to be a principal.

I am in no way making light of bullying with this post.  I think students and parents need to be better educated on the true definition of bullying before we start throwing the word around.  Before you call the office and allege bullying against another, I would like you to consider what I call the O'Doyle Rules.

The researched and accepted definition for bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional and that involves an imbalance of power. Most often, it is repeated over time.  The key element here is is the notion of a power imbalance.  I get tons of phone calls from parents asking me to look into bullying and it takes a lot of time to follow up.  Most of these scenarios end up being social conflicts in which the students involved do not have the skills to overcome.  Last week it was two former BFF's fighting over a boy.  The more they argued the worse it got and when it hit social media, the parents got involved.  Both side alleged bullying.  That is the problem.  They can't both be bullies and victims.

Bullies do not have extended, complex relationships with their victims.  Take the O'Doyles for example.  Billy Madison in the clip (and throughout the movie) was targeted by O'Doyle so dominance could be asserted.  They were not best buds goofing off and it got out of hand (I get that one a lot too), there is a clear showing of power.  This makes investigating a bullying situation easy.  If no relationship exists, I do not have to learn every back story and line up conflicting electronic messages that neither side wants the principal to see.  That, my friends, is an argument that needs mediation and the increased frequency of this shows that we just are not teaching our kids how to deal with people.

In the past six years I have been in my current school, we have had four true bullies by definition.  All ended up in alternative school because it is easy to determine that they sought to exploit people and to dominate them.  If I sent every student that a parent convicts as a bully to alternative school, the student body would be cut in half.  It is critical that we understand bullying and stop making victims out of our kids.

Parents and students take a few steps back before you call the principal and use the word bully.  Can you confidently say that this kid is an O'Doyle?  95% of the time the answer will be no.  Collect information from your kids and actually discuss the situation with them.  All too often I get emotional parents that are not thinking of their child's future emotional health.  I also often get parents that want to use me as their avenue for revenge.  This is totally not fair to me or the other family not to mention that it can be bullying behavior by the parents.

Use the O'Doyle Rules for deciding whether or not you have a bullying situation.  Is this a conflict that the kids just need guidance with? Is there a power imbalance?  You should be able to answer those questions before you call the principal.