A Case Against Gentle Parenting

Social media really knows how to feed me content that is click bait for tired and fed up teachers.  I understand, because there is plenty to be fed up with.  One video really got me going though and it took me back to my newest book.

First, I do acknowledge that parenting across the generations can be quite different and that we should understand this before we criticize.  However, I am not a fan of gentle parenting.  I am a fan of parent leadership.  If you want to help your child's teachers, give this a read.

I offer the following excerpt from my book about relational leadership when it comes to parenting.

So, what is my overall strategy for being a relational leader as a parent?   You may not want to hear this but here we go.  Your children are not little versions of you.  Your children are not little adults that you get to hang out with.  Your children are not meant to be the fix to all of your mistakes.  Finally, your children will someday become their own people with their own kids.  Did you prepare them for that?  As we go through mentorship, trust, and empathy I hope that I can show you that our current notions of parenthood may be hurting our kids and our relationships with them.

What do I mean by this?  Children who are gently parented (I think this is how you would say this) will negotiate with their parents over just about everything until being told no is just a suggestion.  This is evidence that negotiations regularly take place and that the parents view their child as their equal.  You cannot be a leader of your children if you do not see them as a follower.  

Let me offer another about trust through reliability.

My challenge to you parent leaders is to take an inventory of your most repeated behaviors or reactions.  What do your kids trust you to do?  My son trusted me to have a high-speed come apart.  Initially, I was upset by this, but then I took an inventory. He has had his share, albeit very few, of butt chewings.  He was my student in one of my schools for a year and he knows that I’ve had to get loud with his classmates before.  He knows I have strong opinions about law, order, and respect.  Maybe I did give him a reason to think I would yell at him.  How about you?  If you heard your child talking about you while you weren't around, what would they tell people you freak out about?  

My goal for parents is to behave in a way that their kids trust them to react to situations in a certain way.  This is a very broad spectrum.  On one side of the spectrum, can they come to you with a personal problem and they know you will be a good listener.  On the other hand, if your kid gets pulled over by the police, does he trust that you will freak out on him and punish him?  Kids who are gently parented, trust their parents will be easily manipulated and negotiated with.  If you want to help your child (and their teacher), stop negotiating and build a set of parent leadership behaviors that they will come to expect without fail.

If you would like to learn more about parent leadership, find my book on Amazon at https://a.co/d/brokSnR  It is also available on Barnes & Noble.

A Power in Purpose

If you have teacher friends complaining that the COVID babies are struggling this year, believe them.  We have spent lots of time on addressing behaviors and figuring out triggers.  It's safe to say (and I will catch some grief for this) that our little people are coming to us screen-addicted, without structure, gently parented, and without some basic soft skills.  The result is a struggle to establish these things in a classroom setting and very poor behaviors are ensuing.

A very talented teacher came to me to talk this over.  She was overwhelmed and admitted to me that she prayed very hard each night that her students would behave each day.  She then said something that I know I will never forget.  She said she felt that God spoke to her during one of her prayers and reminded her that he was sending her to them because they needed her the most.  My mind was blown.

If we are being honest, regular people often see things from a victim's mentality.  Why is this happening to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  If you are a Christian, you should not.  We often ask why bad things happen to good people.  My pastor's answer for this is that God will always remind you that you should lean on him when times are bad.  We have to trust that God is placing us in positions to execute his purpose for us.  Even if it feels ugly.  Author Jon Gordon posted a graphic once that said, "God will often make you go through a life change so you will become someone who changes lives."  This seems to be the spirit of my discussion with this teacher.

I'm not known to be outwardly religious, but I am a Red Letter Christian.  What that teacher said to me was refreshing.  It reminded me of my purpose.  I have lots of hard days and deal with many challenging situations and people.  I was reminded that God placed me there for that purpose.  Teachers, God placed you in your classrooms to serve your students.  That service is stressful and emotionally draining (preaching to the choir), but it is what Christ asks of us.  "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many."

If you are in a classroom teaching or serving as a paraprofessional, I truly believe that you are part of the one percent of the population that can actually do this work.  Many will try to how to do your job, but you are special, so keep your head up.  God sent you to your students and your communities.  I feel a sense of honor in this work because it was a powerful purpose given to me by God.  This makes my purpose not just service to others as Christ would want, but I'm following the plan that God has for me.  Even if there are bad days.

Teacher friends, it's going to be okay.  Understand the power of your purpose and know you are important to your students and your co-workers.  If they didn't have you, who might they end up with?  Trust God's plan.