In nearly 25 years of working with kids, I've learned that they see the idea of accountability differently than we do. When we ask someone to be accountable for their actions, we are asking them to take responsibility, be able to answer for themselves, and to accept some measure of disciplinary consequence. Adults see this as necessary, and kids see this as torture.
Last year, I sat down with two fourth graders whom I had really taken a liking to. Both are charismatic, forward with people, and very effective communicators. I can see them being incredible young men by the time they get to high school. Unfortunately, they were not using these powers for good. They soon discovered that their skill sets could be used to enable others to act poorly. They were not leading in a good sense. They were leading others to entertain them.
One day during lunch, I had scolded them several times for their behavior. Frustrated with myself, I held them afterwards to talk it over. They asked why I was singling them out all the time. They were shocked to hear me admit that I was. I told them that I could see them becoming something special one day. Because of this, I would be watching their every move, getting on to them, coaching them, and mentoring them. I also told them that they had no say in the matter. They accepted my position, and behaviors were fewer for the rest of the year. This year, as fifth graders, they are slowly becoming what I had hoped for them, and our relationships are better.
When I wrote Nine Ways, I really needed parents, teachers, and coaches to understand that establishing trust through reliability meant that our kids needed to expect us to be their guardrails. They should expect us to have a standard of conduct that reflects our values. Their behaviors should reflect what we stand for. When they don't, we need to look in the mirror. Our kids are not tiny adults with adult capacity for decision-making. We have to take action to get them there.
Unfortunately, over this same span of time, parents increasingly seem to see accountability as an uncomfortable exercise for themselves, but somehow really hate it when others do it for them. Parents, let me hit you with a truth bomb. Accountability is love. When you hold your kids accountable for their behavior, you are showing them love. When their teachers and coaches do it, they are showing their kids love. Even if you disagree with an outcome, you have to recognize this simple truth.
Kids stop growing when adults stop trying. Accountability isn't just love; it is essential. As adults, we cannot fail at this. We will create a generation of new adults who may disregard it altogether. This is not good.
If we love our kids and value what they can become, we will practice accountability with them.
