Competititve or Something Else?

Often I have to deal with kids that get worked up over a pick up game that comes to pushing and shoving.  Generally, a parent will say this happens because they are competitive.  I try to find a way to politely agree to an extent, but losing self control has nothing to do with being competitive.

What does it mean to be competitive?  The dictionary definition simply says inclined or suited to compete.  So what does it mean to compete?  A working definition would be to strive for an objective such a prize.  When a person is competitive, they are more likely to see any situation as a competition and have a need to surpass others.  In the given example, one party is trying to dominate the other out of frustration and that is not the same.

Here is my operational experience with being competitive.  Competitive people do not blow up when things do not go their way.  They work around setbacks.  Competitive people are results oriented.  They know their stats and have a plan to improve them.  The most competitive people I know or have coached, compete against themselves.  Things that they can't control, do not detract them from their goal.

So let's go back to the pick up game.  If you have never been on a junior high playground, this is scene requires a lot of patience.  My nine years of experience can be summed up like this.  They argue over every foul and no call even though there is no referee.  They pick teams with very little attention to winning the game.  They rarely pass the ball.  I have to ask them why no one is setting screens before they will do it.  The biggest thing that stands out, is the mouthing.  It is a hallmark of boys at this age.  This is the reason why some do not choose to play, because it becomes too intense.

Here's the bottom line.  Competitive kids don't give in to the mouthing.  They beat you and shut you up.  I loved playing pick up ball in school.  The best players were the most quiet players.  They didn't need to show a fierce attitude to make up for a lack of ability.  My students get frustrated with me when they complain about mouthy players.  I always tell them to beat them at the game so they will run out of of things to say.  That is not immediate enough as a solution for them today, but as they get older it will make sense.  So the next time your kid is mouthy on the playground, make sure you know if they are competitive or something else.

What's in a Last Name? A Lesson in Implicit Bias

I had to man lunch detention this week and I had an interesting conversation with one of my students.  He told me he wanted to change his last name and was begging his mom to do so. I asked why would he want to do that.  His response was that everyone with his last name always seems to be in trouble and he didn't like it.  I know where this kid is coming from.  My last name growing up meant nothing to anyone.  That might just be as bad as a name being associated with trouble all the time.

I was taken by this and immediately went into Man Lesson mode.  These are little lessons I give boys that hopefully will prepare them for manhood someday.  I related my own experience to his and told him that sometimes you have to make your own name.  If you want your last name to mean something, you have to build it up.  This isn't just for you.  It is also about your children and their children.  The conversation seemed to resonate with him and I reminded him that after nine years of being in this school, I had a lot of kids with his last name and his perception was not really accurate.

At the Mt. Vernon Conference I spoke about deficit mindset and implicit bias.  There is a lot to be said here and a lot to be applied.  Implicit bias is an unconscious attitude towards certain social groups.  Those groups might be low-income kids, special education kids or kids of color.  In other words, stereotyping students based on a social factor.  The result may be a micro-aggression against that student.  This could ruin a relationship and allow the student to accept what they think is a deficit.  Both are detrimental to the student's success.

Let's do a little soul searching.  Have you ever read a class list on the first day and noticed some familiar last names?  Don't lie and say you didn't take a pause before you kept reading the list.  Can you make a last name a stereotype?  What my student is saying is a legitimate concern for him.   The possible micro-aggressions that could take place might be:

• "Is your cousin still in the GED program?"
• "Your brother could not sit still ever."
• Call them by a sibling's name for fun or to joke with the student.
• Lowering their expectations based on previous experiences with family.

The best way to deal with my student is to simply treat him as an individual.  He obviously is affected by the baggage that comes with a last name.  He needs to be recognized for his own efforts and establish himself as a good student.  My point is that last names don't mean much.  If you have been at your school for a while, you either believe that or you don't based on your own experiences.  The part of the equation that should not be affected is the student.

Cussing in the Locker Room vs. Cussing at Denny's

I'm sure we have all seen the locker room video of Mike Schildt congratulating his players in a speech full of swear words.  It was pretty hard to miss on Twitter and I have to be honest, I was a little bit aggravated.  Not because he was cussing.  I think we all have done it or we have made up substitute words so we don't.  Let's not act like words offend us.  It is the context they are used in.

The social media commentary on the issues seemed to be pretty tame.  I did not read every comment, but he was largely supported by the fans.  The video was shot by a rookie and was not meant to be seen in public.  The whole thing backfired when my beloved Cardinals were bounced by the Nationals.  That makes his impassioned speech a little forgettable and laughable.

I recently ate at a Denny's. There were two 20- something women at the table next to me cussing severely.  One of them used the F bomb once in every sentence and I wish I was kidding.  If my family would have been with me, they would have offended me.  I was not offended in general.  Being unable to not listen to their conversation, I could easily determine they were not my kind of people and they were easy to blow off.  They have no responsibility other than to keep it down so not to bother the other diners.

If those are only words and people should get over it, why I can’t I do that at my job?  Could I talk like that as a school principal?  Imagine if I behaved like Mike Schildt for the state testing pep assembly.  It might read a little something like this:

The state board started some s–t. We 're gonna finish the s–t.  And that’s how we roll. No one f–ks with us ever. Ever. Now, I don’t give a f–k what test we take. We’re gonna f–k it up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole f–king way. We’re gonna kick its f–king ass.

Obviously, this would not go over well.  I would be out on my behind by sundown.  There is a huge difference between what Mike Schildt did and what the two potty mouth young women did.  Locker room or not, he has presented himself in a leadership position.  Speaking for his organization.  My Denny's neighbors were only representing themselves, poorly.  Now, I'm not sure if Whitey Herzog talked like that in the locker room, but it is definitely not the Cardinal Way.  If you're a leader, show class and be polished so others will want to do the same.  If you are at Denny's, just keep it down.

School Resource Officers

I really like the show, Adam Ruins Everything.  It serves as a little dose of truth for complex issues.  Occasionally, Adam Conover will discuss things that impact schools.  In a recent episode he debunked a lot of myths about policing and that included School Resource Officers (SRO).  A couple of concerns raised in the show is that SROs are being used for what is typical school disciplinary issues and arrests seem to show racial bias.  With the call by some for all schools to have an SRO, it looks like the training for them has a lot to live up to.

So what goes into SRO training?  We are talking about two worlds of learning coming together for a very important mission.  Teachers are trained in child development and teaching while officers are trained in safety and enforcement.  Neither one could easily transition into the other's world.  The National Association of School Resource Officers (NASRO) provides coursework for officers moving into the schoolhouse.  The basic 40 hour course topics are:

• Function of Law Enforcement
• Mentoring Students
• Guest Speaking

NASRO also offers and advanced course as well as adolescent mental health training.  

Sargent Jim Hawkins is a great example of what an SRO should be.  I had the pleasure of working with him at Mt. Vernon Township High School.  He is a great human being on every level.  Hawk would be a part of my teaching.  I taught civics and he would come in after a discussion on the 4th and 5th amendments and talk about police stops and probable cause.  His appearance always spun into a deep dive about public service.  He cared more about motivating kids to be good citizens, and less about showing off his copness (new term).

He served in this position back when it was still largely undefined.  He very keenly understood that he was there to help grow students, regardless of the badge he carried.  He was a teacher, just like us.  Sure, at times he would placed in a position to be a cop, but he did not let that define him in this role.  I wish I could put a better finger on his uniqueness, but I just can't.  SROs can catch bad press just like teachers have.  I never felt Sergeant Hawkins might take advantage of his position, but I always knew he cared about the students.

The benefits of having SROs far outweigh the drawbacks.  We do have to be patient for the position to evolve into what we need it to be though.  SROs provide a link to emergency services.  SROs can serve as a resource for disenfranchised families.  SROs can provide perspective on safety issues. And as a last resort, be a cop.  If your school employs an SRO, show them your support.  They are entering a tough world compared to theirs.  They get to experience what we do and that is being one more caring adult for a kid that needs us.

Being a Golf Parent is Good Therapy

I got to enjoy the River to River Conference Golf Tournament this year at Hickory Ridge. While I waited I got to watch parents being so dedicated to their kids. Packing coolers and setting up equipment as they practiced pitching and putting.  It is nice to watch the care that goes into being a golf parent. We are learning to be golf parents now that my daughter is playing in her first year.

Golf is hard to learn for a 15 year old kid that has only played team sports.  She has played softball since she was four and learning a new swing has been a season long process.  Sure we all get frustrated, but we know this is a learning year.  It is great to see her have a good nine holes and maddening to see the next round fall apart.  As we watch matches, we see many girls struggle to find their game.  It is interesting test of a player's will when you realize in a team sport you get taken out when you are not playing well.  In golf, you have to overcome bad play and finish.  When it is all done, they huddle together to check their score cards and ultimately someone is disappointed.

I guess the parenting lesson that I am being reintroduced to is that you can't compare your kids to other kids.  This is especially true in learning golf where one shot to the next can be an emotional roller coaster.  That scorecard is not a definition of the player, but sometimes it can be devastating to a kid.  I came across a great line of thought in the book "Middle School Matters" by Phyllis Fagell.  She urges parents to not compare their kids to others kids.  Instead, we should focus on teaching our kids to elevate others until it becomes ingrained in them.  I get to watch this during golf matches.  The girls encourage each other, help find each other's golf balls, and generally help each other through this difficult learning process.  Sure there are players that standout on the scorecard, but you get the sense that they work as a unit to endure tough experiences on the course.  

Fellow parents, please don't compare your kids to other kids.  Not in sports or any aspect of their lives.  It doesn't work and it sends the wrong message to a your child.  I am very guilty of comparing my daughter's shots to other players, hoping that she will keep up with them and score well.  Shame on me.  As an educator, I know kids are on different levels and will reach their goals through a series of successes and failures.  Being a golf parent has brought my own mindset back to one of focusing on growth when it comes to sports.  Her stepping out of her comfort zone was not only good for her, but for me too.  It's funny how we forget that we are supposed to learn with them.  If you get the chance, become a golf parent.  It certainly has been good for me.