It didn't take long into this new school year before the same old parent shortcomings have shown up. We have great parents at my school but even well intentioned adults fall short sometimes and it's mostly because there are some simple truths that get over looked. Because I am a parent and a school administrator, there are some observations I've made over the last ten years that could be helpful to parents. No research to cite here. Just a practitioner’s advice and I hope it helps.
- Trust your school staff - Teachers, aides, chaperones and administrators see your kids in a different light than you do. They get to see them in their unguarded moments and in a lot of cases, spend more time in a day with your kids than you do. If you want to know if your child is living the way you raised them to live, reach out to school staff and ask. We are partners, not adversaries.
- Know what self esteem actually is - your child’s happiness does not equal good self esteem. I can't tell you how many times I hear a parent tell me that punishing their child will ruin their self esteem. These folks don't get it. Here’s the formula: Goal Setting + Guidance + Healthy Risk Taking = High Self Esteem. Setbacks and failures can be a good thing in small doses. Helping your kids through setbacks helps build self esteem and encourages resiliency.
- We will not help you get vengeance against another - This is not the mission of any school. If your student has been wronged either in perception or reality, we should not be helping you get revenge. This week I had parents asking for help in contacting police and DCFS for a minor scrape involving a kickball game. Now, if we really have encountered a breach of the law you will get all the help you need. Like the times I have notified police about parents that drive their kids around to find a kid to fight after a school argument. (Sounds crazy but it does happen)
- School Honors and Awards do not define your child - My own kids have been disappointed to not earn recognition and their dad is a Principal in the district. Under no circumstances do I expect special treatment for my kids but I do give one piece of advice when they feel passed over: work towards having the last laugh. As adults we have life experience that tells us that these awards and recognition do not guarantee a good quality of life. While some kids scratch and claw their way to award season, I'm pushing mine to live a life that will help them build towards a great adulthood. Be honest, we know that less than worthy kids earn some of these honors sometimes and it is hard to convince your child that's it's okay, but help them work towards the last laugh. The last laugh should be a healthy life and career that honors your family and community, not a momentary instance of glory.
- Our kids are just like us - Yes they are. The reality is this, kids haven't changed but the world around them has. If we had all the tools they have to be mean the way they have, we would have made the same mistakes. Except in my case I would get my butt busted, not my phone taken away. It is their job to challenge authority and stretch rules. This helps them find their real boundaries. It is a learning process that is important in a school setting. If your child suffers a consequence at school, they are not being punished, they having a learning experience. This is a jagged little pill to swallow because parents have to deal with the tears, remember I am a parent too so I've been there.
I really could do this all day. I see a myriad of diverse situations that challenge me each day. Remember, I look to no research for this advice so it's completely unscientific but comes from a good place. I actually care that my families have a good school experience too and I see them as partners, not roadblocks. Parents can make themselves roadblocks by not realizing these simple things. Have a great school year.
