When Your Kid Out-Coaches You

I'm sure I'm like most parents and want to go completely insane over my kids behavior.  "Pick that up", "why did you do that", and "why didn't you tell us that" might be a few phrases overheard in my home from my wife and I at varying levels of volume.  We have known our kids every day of their lives yet they still don't get us like we get them.  Well I used to think that until the last week when my daughter truly impressed me without me having to tell her to do so.

I have the honor of coaching her in both basketball and softball.  Our basketball season has been rough.  She is a talented player and loves the game.  Last week in a losing effort, her "coach" told her coming out of halftime to "do what you have to do" in order to win a game.  She disobeyed her "coach" and went out playing team basketball.  She at no point tried to take the game over.  She looked for open teammates and tried to involve everyone.  I told her on the way home how happy I was with her.

Fast forward a few days and we are at it again.  This time a close game that actually went into overtime.  Her "coach" was busy pouting over calls and rolling his eyes while she was playing her guts out.  Again, involving everyone she could.  The game ended and we lost by a basket.  Her first response was to send this picture out on Instagram:

Trust me, I've been out-coached a bunch.  I'm not sure how to feel now that my ow kid has out-coached me.  That's why I used the term "coach".  Its hard to feel like a coach when your 11 year-old daughter shows you what its all about.  And what its about is rarely what you think is urgent.  They see the big picture when we are distracted by the little one.  Trust me parents, your kids do listen to you and when given the right opportunity, they will make you proud.  All the petty barking about the little things tends to go away when they out-coach you.  She is a great kid,  even if she doesn't always pick up her socks or throw her trash away.

The Playing Time Continuum

In my short time as a coach, athletic director or principal, the number one sports-related complaint is about playing time.  Why isn’t my kid playing?  Why does that kid get to play over mine?  You could go on and on and many of us have had the experience of seeing a mad parent and maybe even trying to comfort them.  I have always been pretty good about talking parents off the ledge when it comes to this conflict but I never really organized my thoughts into an understandable model.  Here is my best attempt.

Above, you see the “Playing Time Continuum,” which should explain to any parent or fan why a kid is not playing or why they are playing.  For this model to work you must have a coach is that is there to help the kids win.  Wining is their reward for effort and execution.  The players deserve a winning effort for them to be able to grow as players.  Without this, my crude model is null and void.

Playing time comes in many forms but we think of it as simply getting a chance to play.  It may be a whole game or maybe pinch running.  Either way a player is in the game for some amount of time and should always see this as an opportunity.

If you travel clockwise on the continuum you will see “Hard Work”.  Hard work is time off the field to improve your skills, become stronger or learn something new.  You may take lessons or simply get up and shoot 100 free throws a day.  It shows self-discipline and dedication.  No player can help a team if they do not work hard to better themselves.

Further clockwise is “Ability”.  Players develop their ability from their hard work.  Without hard work, a player may not have the skills to earn playing time.  Every player should have something to contribute in order to have a winning effort.  Some kids may not be suited for some abilities but that is where a good coach and parents can lead them in a direction that will give them a skill set to help their team.

The “Situation” may or may not demand a player’s ability.  The more abilities a player has it is likely that they get more time.  The game situation is critical if a coach is operating in a winning environment.  If a player is best suited to hot against left-handed hitters, then they should get the opportunity.  There are lots of scenarios that could be created to illustrate that point.  If your child is a one-trick pony then the situations they can play in become limited.

Now we are back to “Playing Time” and it’s important to note that this is a continuing cycle.  There is no destination.  Even if a player is getting playing time they should still work hard, develop their abilities so they can be ready for game situations.

My hope is that this simple idea can change a player, parent, or coach’s attitude towards playing time.  I can’t speak for every coach but I know these things are valuable for me.  Of course this doesn’t factor in team or school policies that may prevent kids from playing.  Attitude may be a factor of hard work and may keep players from playing as well.  In any event we need to communicate the right concepts to our players and parents.

Winning With What You Have

This past week Illinois Vision 20/20 announced the launch of its 21^st Century Learning Center.  It is a free resource for high school teachers that provides lesson plans, lecture and videos in a multitude of disciplines.  Through iTunes U, students and teachers can now access materials they may not have had resources for in the past or be able to enrich their current course offerings.  This is truly a step in the right direction.  Using technology to bridge gaps for teachers and students to enhance learning.  What a concept. 

Despite these breakthroughs, some schools still do not embrace the possibilities that technology can bring them.  In schools we still hold on to outdated methods and approaches in the name of routine and proven student outcomes.  Usually those outcomes are content delivery with a degree of control over the students.  But as our society, workforce and attitudes change with the times schools as a whole are slow to follow.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many schools doing this right.  But still we look at them as exceptions and not the rule.  Educators might look at innovative programs as just a show to be watched and not an example to be followed.  Or, they dismiss the possibility of replicating innovation because of a lack of resources or staff.  I say do what is within your reach.  It may not seem like much if you don’t have much but it’s far better than doing nothing.

I’ve had the opportunity to coach on and off in my career and if there is one thing I learned it’s that you survey the landscape and find a way to win with what you have.  This year my school building went back to a Bring Your Own Device (BYOD) approach to the technology gap in our school.  We don’t have much and like most Illinois school getting more is not exactly an option.  To ensure that technology is a fixture in our school, the students bring their own devices to use.  This sparks a lot of conversation about how and what the students would use their devices for.  How do teachers control their behavior?  And certainly, how do we reach them if we are not always the experts ourselves?  This was a great session at EdCamp West Frankfort and many viewpoints were considered, all of which had merit. 

But let’s say we continue with debate and do nothing in our building.  Who are we failing?  The obvious answer is our students.  If we use my poor coaching analogy from above we could say we like talking about winning but we really don’t have the courage to be winners.  This is what a winning attitude towards BYOD looks like:

·        - Students learn far differently than we did.  They can multitask and engage on multiple levels.

·        - Mobile devices are not only their tool of choice but it will be for a long time.

·        - Students need responsible adults to teach them digital citizenship. (Teachers and Parents)

·        - Students need to be treated like the digital natives that they are.

For us, our resources are our teachers, students and their attitudes towards technology in learning.  This can have a much farther reach than money to buy gadgets.  I fully anticipate there to be bumps in the road and conflict as we move forward but the end result should be engaged learning through student owned devices.  That’s how we will win with what we have.

We Argue and the Media Cashes In

Recently we have seen a rise in the issue of image in this country. You may debate me that these topics are not about image but deep social problems.  I'm not exactly sure that we are allowed to tackle these social issues because of media coverage.  I look at social issues from as many sides as possible and some things are produced by a flawed image that is created, maintained and then destroyed by the media.

Yes the Duggar family has some problems.  Why are these people being attacked so ruthlessly?  It might possibly be that Josh Duggar did have some troubles as a young man.  The family got him some therapy so now they are qualified to be the image of religious purity on television.  I rarely and barely watch this show but it is easy to pick up that they are placed upon this pedestal and when that happens, the fall is much more dramatic.  That is what has happened causing huge rifts in philosophy between the scholars of Facebook and Twitter.  We argue and television gets to cash in.

Caitlyn Jenner is our newest famous person for just being famous.  How many lives will the Kim Kardashian sex tape actually reach.  I realize that Bruce made his own fame and in a more legitimate way than Kim but he was out of the public eye for some time and now his emergence at Caitlyn Jenner has made his gender identity issues a global concern.  Social media and television has shrunken the world so badly that nothing happens in isolation.  Again we are all subject to his struggle and it forces us to pick a side.  We argue and television cashes in.

Why is it that Ferguson spawned a million stories a day about police misconduct.  Thankfully some folks have campaigned to only share positive stories of police on social media as well.  But how is it that we can recreate Ferguson so easily in Baltimore?  Baltimore has black leadership so it can't really be about racism right?  Some of the police officers charged in the death are black.  We can't seem to play the race card but we sure can latch on to the damaged image of police.  That's the story "everyone" wants to see.  Now the image of police has been even more bruised and then we argue.  You guessed it, the media cashes in. 

By being such consumers of flawed media, we create some of the largest social rifts in this country.  I read somewhere that 2/3 of the arrests in Ferguson were people that didn't live in that area.  They were "activists" that came from other places.  This tells me that media reach made that situation worse than it might have been.  And then reporters stood in streets to show us how race is dividing our country.  Folks, I won't deny that we have real issues of race in this country but our addiction to information causes misconception and prevents meaningful change from happening.  Is that what we are looking for in our media, or are we just helping them cash in?  Wise people have always told me if you want to find out where power lies, you have to follow the money.  When it comes to the media, we are making ourselves powerless and we make it look like fun.

I know very little of the actual details of any of these examples.  So that's why I don't just latch on to every nugget that is shoved into my face.  I won't be arguing online with people who might be doing the same.  It is unfair to the people involved and issues are never truly resolved.  I hurt for these people sometimes because we make them objects to joked and debated about, They actually have to live with it.  Ask an actual Ferguson resident how this has changed their lives and you will probably hear real struggle and pain.  A pain that we can't feel a million miles away from our couch and keyboard.

Top 10 Customer Service Complaints in Schools

I would like to say upfront that I really do like my parents and families.  I am a people person and you have to be to do my job.  However, over the years it is evident that parents are using a customer service mindset to approach school concerns and for many reasons this can’t be done.  Even if I sympathize or empathize with a parent I am bound by law, liability, board policies, student safety, privacy and much more.  The following list contains some of my favorite interactions with parents who were just looking out for their kid and they didn’t realize they were getting farther away from the end goal of fairness.  And for some that wasn’t the goal at all.

Top Ten Customer Complaints in Schools:

10.  Could you follow my daughter around today and make sure nobody picks on her?

9.  Can we just modify the grading scale?  He has had a bad year.

8.  Just tell the teacher to change the grade.  She’s never had an F before.

7.  (8th grade mother) Why can’t my daughter’s boyfriend pick her up for her doctor’s appointment?

6.  If you don’t let me see the video I’m calling the Regional Superintendent.  He’ll have your job.

5.  Could you tell my son’s stepmother she can’t pick him up from school?  We don’t get along.

4. My son told me that kids bring weed to school all the time and you don’t do anything about it. (During an expulsion hearing)

3. Parent: Why didn’t my daughter make the team? Me: maybe she’s not ready for this level of play yet.  Parent: Did you know that coach is a pedophile?  Me: And you let her tryout for his team?

2. I’m not going to complain because the teacher will take it out on my kid.

1. Playing time, playing time, playing time...

Again, I’m not poking fun.  If you are a parent reading this be sure to come to the table recognizing we are taking about PUBLIC schools.  Your experience in a conflict situation will be much better if you are looking for a fair and just end, not to be treated like a customer.  If your are a school employee, stop giggling.  You may need the same advice when it’s your child we’re talking about.

It's not your fault

This time of year is one of joy and relief for school types. We are all joyed to be entering summer with it's fun and sun but relieved that we made it through another year and hopefully met all of our goals. There is also a small feeling of sadness for the kids who have failed and will be retained or have to go through summer school to get by.

That's actually not completely accurate. In my building teachers fight to the last day to get kids through. Even if they are not trying themselves. Recently I have had many conversations with teachers still worried about kids that have stopped attending or stopped trying all together. These people continue to fight forces that they can't possibly control because they care. 

It's hard to say to a teacher, "You've done all you can, you gotta let this one go" and expect them to let it go. It's like the ER doctor on any TV show that just won't stop fighting to revive a patient.  Good teachers know that there is not a finish line in education. Even if you keep a kid from failure they still have to survive the summer so you can get them through one more time.  I am very blessed to have teachers that fight an uphill battle and come right back and do it again every day and every year.

Guess what?  It's not your fault. Many of the reasons that our kids fail is way out of the school's control but feel accountable for them. We do a lot for them but ultimately at the end of the day they go home to somebody else if they go home at all. That person or persons may not be as dedicated as you and you can't help that. Some families work hard but still can't provide for our kids. Some kids know how to work their parents and know they can't get one passed you.  I know how many times you give up your lunch to work with struggling students. I know how many times you have chased them out of the building to give them the homework they are too cool to take home.  Guess what? It's not your fault. 

The fact that a teacher will take responsibility for a student's failure is what makes teachers so special. Teachers know what our kids face and stand tall with them and will shoulder their worlds if that's what it takes to help them be successful. I will admit that I miss the impact I had as a teacher though I try really hard to.  I don't always get that special feeing with administrative work but having a dedicated and relentless staff is the next best thing. 

Multiple Points of Entry

It seems all to often that when the struggles of our society come to a boiling point, we are forced to pick a side. I'm sure there is some cultural conditioning that has taken place throughout the course of our history but it is now time to recognize that there are multiple points of entry to every American problem. 

Take our governor for example. Let's be real and just say politicians. Illinois has a crippling debt problem that is hurting our middle class. While they play with numbers, real people get hurt. We are told the only way to fix the problem is to cut cut and cut. The other side just doesn't respond because they have a majority in the General Assembly. The reality is that we have to cut AND raise revenue. If your household was in this type of disarray this is what you would do. There are reasonable cuts that need to be made but there are taxes and fees that can be raised that have a minimal impact on people but a big payoff for the state. We have to do both. 

Take the events of Ferguson and Baltimore. One side says we have to fix crooked cops and other say we need to address crime in those communities. Well guess what, we have to take on both. Instead of looking for a magic bullet we have to work for it if we want meaningful change. Everyone wants peace and justice but who is really willing to work hard to make it happen. 

That's what it takes in our schools. The debate for what's best for kids rages on. Do we assess them to death or teach them to death?  Is it more important to teach social skills and grit, or do we teach more rigorous content?  I think you know where I stand in that. You have to do it all. There is research to support every way of doing it but yet schools still feel like that have to emphasize one over the others. 

Folks, meaningful change to the most important aspects of our lives cannot be solved with a single solution. It's not like taking a pill and then you are cured. With the medication you doctor usually tells you what kind of lifestyle change to make get optimal results. What changes are we willing to make?